Wednesday, December 25, 2013

fever hallucinations

it's been a week now since everybody in our home got this flu,fever thing . I'm more of a person who just ignore it but today I feel a little fever headache although I took a medicine which I totally don't believe that it works ,,,, anyways I've been working on my project report and I can't wait to start working on the 3D map , I've been loving how I sit and write those chapters non stop I even stay all day writing I mean it is tiring to find the right words our how to start in a new topic but I'm working on that , yesterday the mister complemented me by saying that my report is starting to shape beautifully it really made me happy cuz I thought I was lost a little , well actually I still think I'm lost here and there cuz acting the strong one is starting to tier me since I'm a person who HAVE to plan every single thing so there's no way a thing can go wrong cuz I'm also a person who hate to fail I just can't take it easily but I stand and try again and the second time wont ever be like the first , I still didn't like the word " move on " with my life cuz for a moment back then I've planed to be with the person I liked "loved" for at least 7 years <- that was my plan about my last relationship , but I wasn't seeing what was I doing , I've hurted the person I liked "loved" more than once but I never saw it and he never talked about it till it all went down the hill " as he said" I couldn't get it but since that day I've been thinking about it and I did got it but now it's too late to look back , so I've been rejecting whoever tries to be with me cuz nothing is going to be better than what I got there " that's what I think it is" but for real even if a guy liked you it wont ever work is at the end of the day I'll marry a guy who doesn't know I exist , he'll just ask his sisters or mother to look for a wife for him , or he might seen me in work .
What I'm trying to say is there is no " love" in this side of the world or at least my family you can't "love" a person because it will simply wont work the way I've planned for it , it's so stupid but this is how it works , my sister is getting engaged and they are hinting for his younger brother to purpose to me " I think" but I don't want to cuz I don't know him and I don't want to , I just hate that fact of " ow now we have to take all the girls from that family just because ... "
when someone starts talking to me about marrige I feel like my parents are giving me to a total stranger and asking me to love him and live my rest life with him , I just hate it so much from the deep of my broken hurted heart  , and I miss the person I truly loved before .

at the end of the day those are just my fever hallucinations .

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